My Elijah

This photo was taken the day before I learned that our baby had no heartbeat.

Holding Elijah wrapped up in a blanket at the funeral home

Five years ago today, I headed to my OB appointment in high hopes of seeing our baby for the first time via sonogram.  I was 20 weeks pregnant in my 4th pregnancy.

I remember seeing him on the screen as a sweet lady measured his little legs and asked me questions about how far along I thought I was in the pregnancy.  I talked nervously, almost giddy to have a peek at him for the first time.  I had not noticed that the sonogram tech was fairly quiet until she spoke in almost a whisper, "Let me go get your midwife."

Something in her voice made me grab her arm before she left the room, and I asked, "What's wrong?"

In the same quiet whisper, she reluctantly spoke the words that would split my world into a million fragments: "Sweetie, there is no heartbeat."

I turned to see the screen, and there lay a beautifully formed tiny baby...very still.  I stared, with all my heart, wishing he would move.

The next 30 minutes were filled with a blur of double checking the sonogram, making plans for a hospital visit the following morning and discussing options for keeping baby's body for a funeral or having the hospital dispose of him.  There are some things a Mama just cannot imagine thinking about.

Baby had to be delivered very soon because from what they could tell, he seemed to have stopped growing at 16 weeks, meaning that he had not been alive for 4 weeks.  They were concerned for my health. The conversations blurred together, and shock took over every part of my body.  As I stood at the little window waiting to pay, I remember the secretary telling me they would handle the charges later and that I needed to drive safely.  "Okay" was all I could manage to say.  She asked if I knew how to get to the hospital in another town, and I honestly couldn't make sense out of the directions...couldn't understand words she said.  It felt as if I was spinning in a tunnel with no point of reference.  I remember her taking out a piece of paper to write the directions for me.  Looking back, I realize just how badly I must have looked because they were fairly coddling me and ushering me out the door, asking if I was going to be alright.

Back in my van, I called my husband.  As if we were hit by a train and flipped the opposite direction, we found ourselves swimming in words we had not considered: hospital, funeral home, no heartbeat.  I hung up the phone and grasped my swollen belly as if trying somehow to protect my unborn child, and way down deep inside me came a moaning cry.  Tears unleashed right there in the doctor's office parking lot.  NO HEARTBEAT.  The words, "NO!  NO!  NO!" echoed.

The next day, May 11, 2007, found me hooked up to a monitor in a hospital room several miles away from my home and children.  The monitor had 2 screens...one for Mama's contractions and one for baby's heartbeat.  They only had the Mama's part of the screen going, and baby's screen was blank.  There was no heartbeat to monitor.  The hours dragged by, with me oddly having to comfort my nurse who hardly knew what to do to help me.  She kept saying, "We don't do this often.  I'm not sure what to do for you.  I'm so very sorry."  I shared my faith with her, hoping for God to bring some purpose to the intense pain I was feeling in my soul.

There are parts of this birth story that I have never quite been able to bring myself to say because it is so hard to relive in my memory.  I pray I never ever have to hear the words, "baby parts" again.  A knife through the chest couldn't have hurt more than those words.  I pray I never have to feel again the sensation of the dropping of that precious bundle from my womb.

He was a BABY.  My baby boy.

Elijah Christopher entered this world that evening, with the most quiet birth ever recorded.  Nurses busily moved all over the room, and I just cried.  No balloons or oohs and ahhhhs.  Just quiet movement of nurses' feet and an even more quiet baby bassinet.  And an empty hole in the depth of my being...gaping, open, intensely vulnerable...a ripping pain like no other I had ever experienced.

Typing this today has dug up pain that I long ago made peace with, so I will wrap this up.  Sometimes it's best to simply grasp the peace and to let the hurt float away into God's Hands again.  Elijah Christopher was born into the arms of Jesus, and one day I will hold him and love on him.  In the meantime, my Heavenly Father has been my ever-present Hope and Joy and LIFE.  He gives and takes away...blessed be His Name!

During the healing process after his birth, God spoke very clearly to my heart, telling me that the hole I felt in my being matched the hole that orphans feel in their beings.  Ahhh...so the pain did indeed have a purpose!  It gave me a window into the pain that orphans feel when their parents are ripped from their lives.  My pain, placed in God's Hands, would propel me to unleashing His love into orphans lives...in releasing His healing into their lives.  Right then and there, I gave my life to be poured out for orphans.  It is my life ministry.  It is Elijah's legacy.

And today, I am praying with all my heart that in honor of his life and his birthday tomorrow, there will be more orphans that will be hosted through New Horizons.  The deadline for Latvian orphans is May 11, 2012, my Elijah's 5th birthday.  May his life be remembered by bringing more orphans into their forever families!  It would be my JOY to celebrate his birthday in that way.

Compassion

Last Friday, after the deadline passed for signing up to host an orphan from Latvia, a friend of mine and I were discussing how saddened we were to see that many Latvian orphans had not been hosted.  Their time had run out.  We expected that their faces would soon be dropped from the New Horizons site, forgotten by most people who had glanced at their photos in the past weeks.  And yet we could not get them off our minds.  To be honest, it really ached my heart over the weekend.

One of the things my friend and I discussed was the definition of compassion.  She sent me something that she had written a couple of weeks ago, and in it she defined compassion as she sees it.  Her definition struck me:

We often feel sorry for numerous people, but what does it mean to “take pity or have compassion”. I believe it means that for an instant we can put ourselves in that person's shoes, feel their pain and loneliness, own it, and make it a part of our soul. That is very different than being sad about something; it takes exchanging a bit of our soul for theirs. 

When we hear of orphans that need families (and I seem to get info almost weekly about more orphans), it is very easy to take a quick look at them, say a quick prayer and hit delete on the screen, delete in our minds...and then go on with our own lives.  It's quite easy to see the wounded man on the ground and walk to the other side of the street like the priest and Levite did.

But do we dare stop, truly see the children, look into their eyes, dip even our big toe into the waters of pain that they live in and let it rip our hearts?  Do we make them part of our heart and soul?

Because when they become a part of us, WE WILL MOVE FORWARD INTO THEIR LIVES.  We will begin to plead in prayer on their behalf.  We will fast for a day so that we can intercede in prayer for them.  We will give up our money to help fund their adoption.  We will begin to say, "God, I'm open to your plan for my life.  I'm open to be used by You for WHATEVER You want.  Do you want me to be the one to step forward for this fatherless child?  Here I am...send me."

Or do we walk to the other side of the street, distancing ourselves from the mess, from anything that might in the least bit intrude upon our familiar routines and comfortable lives?  Are we quick to assume, "God hasn't called me"?

It starts with CHOOSING to SEE them...to really see them through God's eyes of compassion...and in letting our hands and feet move to action, regardless of the inconvenience.

*** NEW HORIZONS HAS EXTENDED THEIR DEADLINE FOR SIGNING UP TO HOST LATVIAN ORPHANS UNTIL MAY 11, 2012.  THE DEADLINE FOR SIGNING UP TO HOST UKRAINIAN CHILDREN IS MAY 14, 2012.  PLEASE SIGN UP TO VIEW THE PHOTO LISTING AND TO READ ABOUT THE CHILDREN***

Break our Hearts for What Breaks Yours

I was awakened at 4am by a cat who was ready for me to take her downstairs.  The very first words that were running through my mind were from Casting Crowns new song "Jesus, Friend of Sinners."  Over and over again, I heard these words:

You love every lost cause
You reach for the outcast...


Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors


Jesus, friend of sinners, 
Break our hearts for what breaks Yours

My cat was ready to tackle the new day, but I wasn't.  I crawled back into bed and pulled the covers up over my head.  The minute I awakened, I remembered what day it was.  This is Friday, May 4th.  At midnight tonight the doors of opportunity will close for several Latvian orphans who are on a waiting list for host parents for the summer.  They have no voice of their own to scream out, "I need your help.  I need a family!"  You can see them on the New Horizons page that I spoke about in my last post.  There, you will see picture after picture.

But don't think for a moment that they are merely pictures.  These are real live breathing children.  And we can either turn a deaf ear or stop for the one.  We can be the well respected priest or Levite that walks past the wounded person, or we can choose to be the Samaritan who sees the need and stops.

Why do we insist on having to be "called"?  The need IS the call.

You may be the one who opens your home to one or more of these children for 5 weeks in the summer.  You may be the one who goes the distance to open your home as a forever family.  You may be the one who cannot adopt but can give sacrificially to allow someone else to adopt.  You may be the one who enters into the labor of fasting and praying on behalf of these children, giving up your personal comfort.  WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT STOP SHORT OF SACRIFICE!  We absolutely have to stop trying to keep ourselves comfortable, uninvolved, emotionally removed from the lives and pain of others.  We must follow in the steps of Jesus.

"For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example,  so that you might follow in His steps." 1 Peter 2:21

You love every lost cause

You reach for the outcast...

Let our hearts be led by mercy

Help us reach with open hearts and open doors

Jesus, friend of sinners, 

Break our hearts for what breaks Yours

And when He answers that prayer...when He does indeed break your heart for what breaks His...do not shrink back from the pain and the putrid smell of it all.  STEP INTO THE NEED HE PLACES BEFORE YOUR EYES.  Be Jesus to the least of us.  Stop for the one.

After all, WE were that outcast...WE were that leper...WE were that lost cause...until He stepped into our lives.  If we are serious about following Him, we will do the same for others.

Host an Orphan This Summer

First things first here...  New Horizons is in need of Christian families all over the country to host orphans for 5 weeks during the summer.   

Please visit the New Horizons website to learn more.  There, you can also sign up for a photo listing of the children who are in need of host families.  The deadline for signing up is quickly approaching, so get on over there to check it out!  Even if you don't feel that you can host a child, please choose 1 or 2 children and become their prayer warrior to pray them into a home.  Prayer can shift the entire future of these children, so please take the opportunity to play a critical role in their lives.

*************************

Now, a little digging into my heart here...

Sometimes in orphan ministry, it just stacks up and threatens to fall on top of you...


I have a notebook I use every morning during my quiet Bible time, and inside that notebook, I have about a dozen pages with photos and information about some special needs children in Taiwan who are awaiting forever families.  We were recently given the list and asked if we or anyone we knew would be interested in adopting any of the children.  I looked at the photos and read the brief information, and I cried over the little lives represented on those sheets of paper.  We prayed.  We advocated.  We helped link up one family with one child.  And the other children's photos were slid into my notebook so that I could pray for them.


Yesterday, a friend of mine sent me an email that reminded me of the importance of praying for orphans, along with the information about the orphans from Ukraine and Latvia who are still awaiting host parents for the summer hosting with New Horizons.  I pulled up the photo listing and scanned the children's faces...so many faces.  I wanted to become a prayer warrior for a child.  I ended up choosing a sibling group as well another girl.  I looked into their eyes...half the globe away and yet vividly right on my screen...and I cried.  I memorized their names and faces and committed to pray for them until their host families find them.


Then, in yesterday's mail, I received a letter from an orphanage in Haiti, with photos of their children who are also awaiting forever families.  Row upon row of little faces.  And, to be honest, I wanted to adopt at least half of them!  And...you guessed it...I cried.  


Sometimes the web sites are visited or the letters received, and I find myself with a growing list of children awaiting forever families.  More faces, more lives...and more tears.  The statistics roll in, saying that there are 147 million orphans in the world, a larger number than when I first stepped into orphan ministry.  Sometimes it can threaten to overwhelm.  Really, sometimes I have actually thrown my arms up in the air and said, "Lord, what can I DO?  What is my role for these children??!"


Sometimes He opens the door to advocate.  Sometimes He leads us to pray fervently for a few children.  And one time, He opened the door wide for us to adopt.  With 147 million orphans, our role is different with each child.  Some are just remembered in an overall prayer, when one of our children prays, "Be with all the orphans tonight."  Others specifically embed into our hearts, and we labor over them in fervent prayer until they are in their forever families.  Some we have been able to take to McDonalds to savor the treat of a Happy Meal.  For some, we have had the opportunity to raise funds for their hosting or adoption.  We have made blankets for some, while to others we have given simple but much needed items like bandaids and antibiotic ointment. Some we have held and had to let go, while one we have held in our arms as we walked out of the orphanage saying, "You're ours now."  It's a little here, a little there, wherever He places us...simply walking out each day, asking Him what He has on the agenda...and walking into it, no matter how small and insignificant it feels or how big and overwhelming it seems.


And again and again, He brings me back to what my sweet friend Kerry taught me ages ago: we cannot approach orphan ministry with a program.  We have to simply rely on God.  It is HE who places the lonely in families, not me.  He will use me, and I WANT Him to use me...for praying, for fundraising, for advocating, for adopting, whatever He calls me to for each individual child.  I cannot jump ahead of Him with human solutions or lag behind Him in disobedience.  It's a moment-by-moment walk.  


So, when the photo listings pour in and threaten to spill over onto every surface in my house and heart...and when I feel the overwhelming numbers beating down the door...and when I feel tempted to throw my hands in the air...I must return over and over and over again to His promise to place the lonely in families...in Him alone do orphans find mercy.  The work is His.  Let me be a useful tool, available for any job He chooses me to do, whether that means giving a Happy Meal or a forever home...it is HIS work, and I am simply His servant.  


Speak, Lord, your servant is listening.

More Miracles Roll in Today

I should learn not to blog until the very end of the day so that all the day's miracles are accounted for before I post an update.  :)


Remember the $720 that the E family owed this morning?  And remember how by this afternoon, they only owed $275?  Well, this evening, someone unexpectedly dropped by with a check for $260.  AND they had some Paypal donations come in that pushed them over the mark.  


They woke up this morning, owing $720 of their first big adoption fee, and tonight they go to bed with the balance at below $0.  Did I mention God's math??  Did you see Him show up today at the E family's home?  


STAY TUNED...it will get better!  The E family will now send the first big fee to their adoption agency (which, by the way, is for all the court papers, translation fees, etc).  Then, they will embark on the next fee (I will update on those numbers as I have them).  


Step by step.  Their faith and God's math.  It always works...always.

The Math of Paying for an Adoption

This morning, the E family contacted me with the latest update:  They were lacking just $720 of the first big adoption fee of $6250.  If you ask them how that huge fee got chipped down to the do-able sum of just $720 left to go, they'd give the same answer that most adoptive families give: WE HAVE NO IDEA HOW IT ALL HAPPENED!!  They know that some of it was from their hard work of fundraising, and some of it was from generous donations of people who want to be part of God's plan for placing an orphan in her home.  But, most of the time, on paper, adoptive families simply cannot make sense of it.  The math simply doesn't add up.  The "amount due" chips away at a rate that is far beyond their ability to raise funds.  


I call it God's math. 


It works something like this:  You step forward in obedience to adopt, and the huge sum of the adoption cost looms in front of you like an enormous billboard, making you feel itty bitty in comparison.  You think, "HOW WILL WE EVER PAY FOR THIS??"  You do what you know how to do to begin to raise funds...let's say a yard sale.  You work hard to get donated yards sale items, get flyers out, set up the location, wake up at the crack of dawn and stay all day at a yard sale (come rain or shine, hot or cold).  That's your part of it.  But then something unusual happens.  It seems as if God sees your effort to walk forward in obedience, and He moves in with miracles.  A man gives you $20 for an old lamp that you had priced with a $5 sticker...a friend offers you $200 for a set of stamps that you were going to sell for $20...and the list goes on.  


Yard sale ends, and you are happy to have raised a decent amount...let's just say $1000.  You're thrilled!  You expected just $500, and yet somehow it raised double that.  And yet you look at that figurative billboard that screams at you: "20,000 more to go!!!!"  And you again think, "HOW WILL WE EVER PAY FOR THIS??"


So, you step in to do your part, with other fundraisers: walk-a-thons, basketball tournaments, spaghetti dinners.  You raise $500 here and $1500 there.  Someone sends an unexpected check for $100, and your electric bill somehow comes in $50 less than you budgeted.  A little here, a little there.  And the big price tag of adoption shrinks bit by bit.  


And here's the kicker...  At the end of the adoption process, when all is said and done and every single penny has come in...when your balance says, "$0 due," you sit down one day to figure it out.  You list all the money that you raised with each fundraiser, and you list every donation you can remember.  And the total that you raised is far far less than the total price tag of the adoption.  You wonder out loud: "HOW IN THE WORLD DID WE PAY FOR THAT??" No matter how you add it, it simply never adds up. 


We experienced this in a drastic way.  Our fundraisers added up to a tiny portion of the total adoption costs, and yet every penny came in.  This experience is not unique to our family. In fact, just this past weekend, I ran into another family who is adopting and is awaiting travel to pick up their new son.  With tears of joy, they said every penny of their adoption came in.  And I said, "It doesn't add up on paper, does it?"  Sure enough, she had experienced the same thing.  I gave her my only explanation: "It's God's math!"  


I believe it's simply the miracle of a faith that moves mountains.  It's God's amazing, inexplainable math...the same math He used when he fed 5,000 with just 5 loaves and 2 fish...the same math He used when George Mueller cared for hundreds of orphans by simply relying on God to provide their daily food and water.  You see...the miracles come to those who walk in obedience.  I believe that obedience and simple faith releases the miracles that most people only read about.


That is why I'm highlighting the E family on this blog.  They started with $0.  They are not rich.  They live on one modest income.  And yet they stepped out in obedience to adopt.  Their obedience comes first...and then the miracles follow.


Oh...and before I sign off, let me add this...  The E family just emailed me to say that they went to the mailbox this afternoon, and now they only have $275 of the first fee to go!  In just a few hours, the amount due went from $720 to $275.  


How?  Let's just call it God's math.
  

Update on E Family's Adoption

I really should be more regular at posting updates because, as always, God is moving mountains of impossibility to bring home one of His Children.


I know I will probably leave out some good details, but I'll try my best to remember...  My last post said they needed $9500, but somehow they ended up only needing $6250 for this part of the adoption process.  It was a mountain, and yet little by little, it was chipped away...
   
* A local photographer friend of theirs offered her services for photo sessions, with all proceeds going toward their adoption.  The above photo was taken by her...photos in the beautiful Texas bluebonnets.  
* The E family also had a yard sale last Saturday, and God blessed it, with people giving more than the asking price for items (and we all know what a miracle that is in the yard sale world!).  :)  
* They were surprised also with a very generous check given by a friend of theirs who, in human terms, didn't have any extra money to spare.


So, with the fundraisers and God's amazing math that no adoptive family can ever ever figure out, the E family had raised $5000 of the needed funds.  They still lack $1250, but their adoption agency has been gracious to let them pay the rest later.  God always works out the details...always!


The E family has other fundraisers on the horizon, and I will keep you posted on those.


If YOU would like to host a fund raiser to help the E family bring home Avalyn, please just leave a comment.  No effort is too small.  No donation is too small.  It's like the loaves and fish...it never seems like enough, and yet, in God's mighty hands, it multiplies and is more than enough.